Turtle Tales
Turtle Club Tales
Welcome to Turtle Club Tales! Here, we share the (mostly true) stories of Ervin Tortel and his band of wartime mischief-makers. As the club motto says: “Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.” So grab a drink, sit back, and enjoy the tales of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Turtles.
We welcome members to add their own tales! Submit your own fun, Turtle Club-style stories—whether based on real events or creatively exaggerated—for review and possible addition.
Featured Tales
The Creation of the Turtle Club
Ervin recounts the founding of the Turtle Club, emphasizing how close bonds and a shared sense of humor transformed wartime camaraderie into an “honorable drinking fraternity.”
“Some say the Turtle Club started in a quiet pub in England on a rare night off. But those who were there remember it as an epic event, with one too many toasts, laughter that shook the walls, and a ‘secret handshake’ that nobody’s quite sure of to this day.”
We welcome members to add their own tales! Submit your own fun, Turtle Club-style stories—whether based on real events or creatively exaggerated—for review and possible addition.
The Most Dangerous Mission That Never Was
Ervin spins a tale of a daring but fictional mission, complete with dramatic details, unexpected twists, and a humorous twist.
“It was a night like no other. We had one mission, one plane, and one parachute among us—plus the whole enemy fleet in our sights… or so it seemed. By the end, we’d conquered a pint or two and saved England—or perhaps just ourselves from boredom.”
The Origins of ‘Are You A Turtle?’
Ervin shares the (slightly embellished) story of how “Are You A Turtle?” became the club’s famous question, and why the password is “You bet your sweet ass I am.”
“The password is sacred. If you forget it, they say you owe a round to every Turtle in the club—a price I wouldn’t wish on anyone’s wallet!”
Founding the Ancient and Honorable Turtle Club
Some claim the Turtle Club was founded as a formal institution with bylaws and paperwork. Not quite! The Turtle Club began in a cozy pub, far from the frontlines, where a group of pilots—facing abysmal weather and far too much downtime—decided to lift their spirits.
“Now, I’d be lying if I told you I remembered every detail of that night. What I do recall is a lot of laughter, a few botched toasts, and an endless debate over what exactly makes a ‘real turtle.’ By the end, we’d made a pact—half serious, half tipsy—that we were now an ‘ancient and honorable drinking fraternity,’ bound by loyalty, mischief, and the sacred question: ‘Are You A Turtle?’ And if you were asked, you’d better answer: ‘You bet your sweet ass I am.’”
The Great “Untouchable Turtles” Mission
They say the Turtles once flew a secret mission, narrowly dodging searchlights and enemy fire, delivering “critical cargo” to the front lines. In truth, the closest we got to enemy fire that night was an overcooked pub dinner and a poorly corked bottle.
“Our mission was top secret—delivering essential supplies in the form of contraband cigarettes and a few choice refreshments. By the time we returned, we were legends. So if you ever hear about ‘The Turtles’ Night Flight,’ just know it wasn’t the skies we were conquering that night.”
The Birth of the Turtle Club Password
Selecting a password should have been simple. But for us Turtles, that decision became a legendary debate. One rainy night in the pub, tankards in hand, one of the lads suggested, “How about, ‘You bet your sweet… self I am!’”
“There was a pause, then laughter that could only come from men running on zero sleep. I told them about my pet donkey, or ‘ass,’ and from there, it stuck. The password became, ‘You bet your sweet ass I am.’ Now, if a Turtle asks, ‘Are You A Turtle?’ you’d better remember to respond, or you owe a drink to everyone at the table. It’s a sacred rule that has bonded Turtles everywhere.”
The Night We “Rescued” Boomer the Mascot
Some missions don’t involve planes. One night, we learned our squadron mascot, a scrappy dog named Boomer, had been “detained” in the kitchen for chasing after the cook’s best roast. So we mounted an unofficial “rescue mission.”
“Armed with a sausage distraction, we crept into the kitchen like we were breaking into enemy territory. Our cover nearly blew when Boomer launched himself at the sausage and tore around the room. But in the end, Boomer was back at our table, an honorary Turtle, celebrating his ‘rescue’ in style.”
The Invention of the Turtle Toast
Being Turtles wasn’t enough; we needed a toast—something short, sharp, and worthy of a barely-rested squadron of pilots. After a few “practice rounds,” we settled on the Turtle Club toast:
“Here’s to the sky we fly, the ground we leave, and the friends beside us!”
One night, Murphy added a line that’s become tradition: “…And to the next round, on whoever forgets the password!” Now, if you miss a word of “You bet your sweet ass I am,” you’re buying the next round—no exceptions.
The Imperial Turtle Song (That No One Can Remember)
Every club needs an anthem, and the Turtle Club was no exception. One legendary night, Murphy began humming a tune, and before we knew it, the whole pub was singing along. There were rhymes about “the sky, the ground, and the majesty of the Imperial Turtle,” but after a few toasts, it’s anyone’s guess what they actually were.
“The next morning, we tried to sing it again, but every Turtle swore they remembered it ‘differently.’ Some claimed there was a bit about ‘the wind beneath our shells,’ others swore it mentioned ‘the taste of freedom on tap.’ The melody? Lost to time—or perhaps to the pints we shared. Today, the Imperial Turtle Song is still ‘sung’ at each meeting, with every member mumbling their own version, proud as ever. And you know what? That’s the way it was meant to be.”